Alex Nova Dating Coach - How to Attract Women in Australia

How many is too many? Posted by Samantha Brett - "Ask Sam!"
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While some might think the question rather rude, she was determined to get the bottom of it after she came across new research which exposed some sobering facts. The average man sleeps with seven women over their lifetime, while the average femme has bedded four blokes.

"Four men!? How can it be!" she snapped, embarassed to admit that as a thirty-something single gal about town, she was way ahead of the amorous pack. (Her number has soared even higher since her recent foray into internet dating.)

Now she is wondering if her sizeable digit might be a turn off to her new beau who despite his charm and good looks, has only been with a handful of women. (Or so he says.)

"I'm way over the mark too," sniffs one survey respondent who is a personal trainer and has had his fair share of women thanks to his never-ending stream of blonde, taut and toned clientele. (He claims it's over 1000, but we have yet to confirm this with even one of his femmes.)

While many we spoke to agreed that more than ten sexual partners is too many, (surprisingly most of those that concurred with this were men), the study carried out by the National Center for Health Statistics found that a sobering 29 per cent of men and 9 per cent of women have slept with more than 15 partners.

So I wonder, are women who've had more than, say, 20 sexual partners, a turn off for men? And are women turned off by blokes who've bedded so many gals, they've forgotten who they've done, who they haven't and who they forgot the call the next morning?

"For me, it's the fear of STDs and being consistently being compared to past lovers' performances (both good and bad)," answers my female friend Kat, who says up until now her magic number has been one.

Yet after her recent breakup with the gent (thanks to mismatched libidos), she's keen to get back into the game. But paranoia has set in and now she's claiming she cannot participate in the "horizontal hanky panky" (her words) until she knows all of her future lover's gritty details of their past.

"It's usually the first question I now ask on a date," she tells me. "I want to know where I sit on the chain. Will I be just another number? Are there so many that I don't even feature on the radar? Or is it going to be something special?"

While she might not get the honest response she is after, (one frustrated gent walked out mumbling, "What does it take to get a lay around here?"), others aren't so sure it's a good idea to probe.

I decided to enlist the help of Alex Nova, one of Australia's leading dating coaches, (for Amy and Kat's sake), who says that as a general rule, it is usually best not to ask about to fundamental things, especially on the first date: about your date's ex's and their past sexual partners.

Me: Should you ask the sexual history question?

Alex: When you do decide to ask that question, the answer will stay on your mind and it may also cause a bad reaction on your part. What needs to be realised is that the past, must be left in the past, don't look back. Instead, concentrate on your current relationship and what may happen in the future.

Me: But some feel it's imperative to know. So how important is it to know your partner's history?

Alex: This really depends on what type of relationship you are both having together. If it's just a short, sexual encounter, then it will not be that important. However, if you are in a serious, committed and monogamous relationship then it would be beneficial to know some past details. For instance, if you find out that your current partner has only been with one person before you and it lasted for several years, chances are that he or she is into long term relationships. This may also indicate that this is what they are looking for in this current relationship. You can use this information to determine what your partner is looking for.

Me: New statistics say the average guy has slept with 7 women. is this accurate? Or do men lie about their number of encounters?

Alex: I have met a lot of guys in the past when helping them with their dating and relationship problems, and I can safely state that that figure is exaggerated. The actual figure is closer to half of that and in some instances, less.

Me: Why?

Alex: When approached with this question out of the blue, men tend to talk up their past sexual experiences and usually blow the numbers out of proportion (boast about it). This is done because in our society its usually looked down upon if a guy has had a small number of partners.

Me: Is it different for women?

Alex: With women, it is usually the other way, people tend to label and judge women negatively if they have had a large number of partners."

Ahuh! So if men exaggerate and women lie, how can you tell who's sleeping around? A group of scientists reckon they've discovered the holy grail of promiscuity: body heat.

If we go by the findings of husband and wife duo Patrick Markey, a psychologist at Villanova University, and Charlotte Markey, a psychologist at Rutgers University, it's extreme body temperatures that give away the magic number.

It works like this: Warm, friendly people enjoy sharing their warmth with others, extending this to the bedroom by sleeping with many different people.

On the other hand those cool, hostile folks are too more likely to sleep around in hope of avoiding a monogamous relationship. (Fear of rejection and being treated poorly were reasons cited as reasons.)

As for those with moderate body temps? They were found to have the fewest sexual partners.

So back to Kat's dilemma. If she desperately wants to know the number for her piece of mind, perhaps feeling her date's forehead across the dinner table might just prove a tad more effective that broaching the subject with words ...

How many partners is too many? Is it important to know your partner's sexual past? Is it rude to ask?

- Samantha Brett

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